


It's just a bad day...

by shanimalew



Series: Fictober 2019 [11]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Drabble, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fictober 2019, Gen, M/M, References to Depression, Sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-12-13 16:10:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21000485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shanimalew/pseuds/shanimalew
Summary: Crowley wakes up feeling not okay. Again. He tries to navigate his feelings while also acting as normal as possible with Aziraphale, to avoid making the angel worry.As expected, he fails.[Fictober 2019, Day 11]





	It's just a bad day...

**Author's Note:**

> I'm surprised it took me 11 days to give in and write an angsty story. I promise that I'll resume with fluff from the next prompt.  
This is one is quite personal, so I hope you'll like it. I really needed to write it...

**** **Day 11: “It’s not always like this.”**

Crowley wakes up after an all-night-long, wine-induced, nap. And he feels like shit.

He gets up, trying not to wake up Aziraphale who’s still sleeping at his side, and goes into the kitchen.

He puts a glass of water by Aziraphale’s side and then he makes himself coffee, a lot of coffee. He’s tempted to eat one of the scones Aziraphale bought but he doesn’t feel particularly hungry, so he closes the fridge and goes to sit on his throne with his coffee.

As he sits there, contemplating the reasons why, although he loves and cherishes wine, it always betrays him in the end, he feels a weight grow inside. He groans.

And here he thought that today the hangover was going to be the only problem.

He’s used to this, to feel like this, but it still catches him off guard every time it happens. Every time this feeling of hopelessness and fatigue returns. No matter how many times he has felt this way, it always feels like the first time. Like there’s no hope to go back to happiness… to the life he had before.

The first time it happened it was after Jesus’s crucifixion. He blamed God and Heaven, and even Aziraphale, because somehow to him it was the angel’s fault that Crowley grew attached to a human who should have been just an easy and quick temptation. And from that moment on it was like he was falling off a very steep mountain and nothing was there to stop his drop.

As the centuries passed he learned to manage it, which meant burying his feelings deep inside with alcohol and other demonic activities until he couldn’t feel anything at all. He also started gardening and cooking, which according to modern psychology books are ‘good coping mechanisms’. Crowley prefers alcohol, but who is he to judge.

He turns up the tv trying to distract himself from the thoughts that are starting to crowd his mind and it works, until Aziraphale wakes up.

“Hello dear, already up?” Aziraphale asks him, eyes still a bit sleepy. He leaves a kiss on Crowley’s cheek.

Crowley wants to scream, but he limits himself to smiling and kissing Aziraphale on the mouth.

“Coffee?” he asks, voice still a bit hoarse.

“I’d prefer tea, if you have it”

“Sure thing” he says, snapping his fingers to make Aziraphale’s favourite tea appear in the kitchen cabinet.

As he makes the tea, Aziraphale starts talking, about what he’s not sure. He feels like he’s both here and far away as if he somehow discorporated and his soul is now watching him making tea while Aziraphale sits at the table.

“Are you okay, dear? You seem distracted…” Aziraphale says, stopping mid-conversation.

“Still a bit groggy. Do continue” he replies, mentally smacking himself in the face.

It’s not a complete lie, he is not a morning person but usually he nods or hums to make sure Aziraphale knows he’s listening, but today he’s so busy telling his mind to shut up that he forgot. Apparently, Aziraphale doesn’t seem to mind and continues talking.

The rest of the day doesn’t get any better.

He tries gardening, but since Aziraphale is in the other room reading he feels self-conscious, so he limits himself to whisper angrily at the plants, hoping it has the desired effect on them. It does, fortunately, wouldn't want them to think that they can slack off when he’s...not okay, but it does nothing for his mood, which seems to worsen by the minute.

Now he just wants to go back to bed, watch some stupid sitcom and forget he even exists. Unfortunately, he now lives with Aziraphale, so he can’t waste his days away sleeping. The angel has never seen him like this and he intends to keep it this way.

That’s why he agrees to get out for ‘a nice walk in the park’.

“It’s such a nice day today, we can’t waste it by staying inside, don’t you think?” Aziraphale asks as they walk around St. James’.

Crowley just nods, looking around numbly.

He tries to participate in the conversations as much as possible, even as Aziraphale extends their date to try a new patisserie. 

He thinks he did a good job of hiding his discomfort, even making comments and jokes as they talk, but apparently he did not. As soon as they return home, Aziraphale asks him what’s wrong.

“I know there’s something wrong. I hoped that by going out you would feel better or that you’d talk to me about it, but nothing. What is bothering you?”

“Nothing, angel. No need to stress over it” he says, walking towards the throne room. Anything to keep as much distance as possible from the angel.

Again, he’s not lying to him, he doesn’t think he could be capable anyway. Nothing and everything is bothering him. Maybe it’s just him, maybe God knew there was something wrong with his mind and that’s why she made him fall. Angels are fearless and strong (and also a bunch of bastards, but that’s not the point) and he’s not, so who would want Crowley as part of their army?

Even Hell didn’t like him, too weak for the wicked too.

“I can sense your distress, dear. Don’t lie” Aziraphale says, grabbing Crowley’s arm.

Crowley pulls away immediately. He turns around a bit, Aziraphale is looking at him like a kicked puppy. 

Crowley feels even more like a monster.

“Look, angel, it’s...I can’t explain. It’s not always like this”

“It has already happened? For you to feel like this?” Aziraphale asks, hesitantly, as he tries again to get closer to Crowley.

“Sometimes...depends on the century” Crowley says, avoiding looking at Aziraphale in the eye. “Didn’t want you to worry for nothing, that’s why I didn’t address it”

“Dear it’s not nothing” He whispers distressed, gently caressing Crowley’s face. The demon leans into his hand, closing his eyes. “What can I do to make you feel better?”

Crowley thanks the humans for inventing glasses, as he feels tears form. He threatens them to not leave his eyes, but they never listen to him.

Aziraphale’s thumb wipes some of them away, gently taking away Crowley’s sunglasses. The demon still doesn’t open his eyes.

“Can you put that back?” 

What he wanted to sound like a request, comes out as a plea as his voice breaks at the end. Aziraphale apologises, putting the glasses back on Crowley’s face; only then he opens his eyes, letting more tears fall.

“Can we...watch tv in bed?” Crowley asks, trying to sound normal.

“Of course dear” Aziraphale replies, guiding him to bed.

Once they settle, Aziraphale brings Crowley closer, encircling him in a warm embrace. The demon nuzzles his nose against Aziraphale’s throat, silently thanking him for saving him the embarrassment of asking for a hug.

“I’m always here for you, dear. Everything’s going to be alright” Aziraphale says, kissing his head.

For the first since he started having these episodes, Crowley finds himself believing that maybe, just maybe, everything can be okay.

He might be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Leave kudos and comments if you liked, I love hearing what you think!  
You can also find me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/shanimalew) and [Tumblr](https://shanimalew.tumblr.com/) , if you want to come and talk about these two wonderful characters.


End file.
